Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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