my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
