i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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