The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Im part way to drunk.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
