the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
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Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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