is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
if only i could text you this smell
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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