Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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