I wanna passion pit in your ass
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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