I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
