no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
