I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I wish they made helmets for livers.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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