I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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