I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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