Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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