if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
what day is it and did you see me today?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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