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I'm so fucking centered right now
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
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