Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends