I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody