we're chasing vodka with high fives
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
