I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
