got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
