You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
