Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
