it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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