Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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