Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
