Taylor Swift is so right about you.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
