Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Randomize
