I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
