I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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