She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
