i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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