I forgot how hot balto sounded
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
