I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
