we're chasing vodka with high fives
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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