Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
