So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
how drunk are you?
Several
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
