one word: firstdatebathroomanal
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
it's like iHOP with fire
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
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