You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
