Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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