if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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