mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
