Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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