My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
