i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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