i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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