the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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