Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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