Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
