I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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