I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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