I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
