In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
