Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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