OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
