he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
