Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
