I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
