Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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