Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
