I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
