dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
