Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
