I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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